FRUITAKU

FUCK ALL FRUT FOR AGES - then FRUT NINJA KINECT

2011-07-29T00:51:00.000+01:00

Don't worry, we're not DEAD, just been waiting for news FRUIT enough to post about!

And here it comes... FRUT NINJA KINECT is coming!

FRUT NINJA KINECT! FUCK ME LOOK AT THOSE FRUTS!

So the Kinect is finally getting a decent game. A game with fruit in it anyway. I suppose it's a start. Like the game industry is being born again, flopping about like a new born foal. Or more accurately making the public flop around like a new born foal.

More BANGAI-O XBLA frut - FIRST FRUIT SCREENSHOT

2010-09-01T13:39:00.001+01:00

So far, we can confirm cherries and lemons (might be oranges, not sure.)

Great looking fruits, very impressed.

Shame about them trying to use every fucking font known to man at the same time. There's, what, at least 3 different fonts going on is there? Not as bad as Space Giraffe obviously for font-overload but Treasure have no excuse.

But this is one occasion where I can overlook a font-tombola. It's fucking BANGAI-O!

More screenshots here, excited FRUTCHUMS: http://uk.media.xbox360.ign.com/media/085/085263/imgs_1.html

BANGAI-O XBLA WOO FRUT FANCY THAT

2010-09-01T09:47:00.000+01:00

Probably the biggest news the FRUIT-CORE will hear this entire year...

BANGAI-O is coming to XBLA!

Srsly. Who'd have thought?

Bangai-o HD MISSILE FURY is going to be... well actually I've no idea. It's probably the Dreamcast version all HD'd up as opposed to the DS or N64 version.

Don't know anything else yet other than it's coming sometime in Autumn.

Oh yeah, and it's got FRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!!!!!!

POSTAL III - SCRUMPING ACTION

2010-08-27T13:47:00.002+01:00

Postal III is a game for twats about a twat. I couldn't give a fuck about it, or its fans. No strong moral objection or anything, it's just the only people I know who like the Postal series of games are actual proper tossers. Or children. Either way, they're fucking dirty fruit dodgers.

Anyway, what's all this about SCRUMPING?!

As this video shows, apparently you can scrump apples.

For those unaware of the practice of scrumping, it means stealing apples. (aka OGGY RAIDING)

Shame that you'd have to buy Postal III to get some virtual scrumping in. Still, fruits is fruits, and as such we gots to cover it in Fruitaku.

One Button FRUITS = Fall.

2010-08-02T15:29:00.002+01:00

An alert (and probably involved in the development) Fruitaku reader pointed us recently to the direction of 'Fall' - a simplistic one button game from One Switch Gaming.

Fall - a Screenshot. Contains FRUT.

WAIT? WHAT? YES! It's everyone's favourite time: BULLET POINT REVIEW TIME.

YES! Contains FRUT. Good fruit too, nicely rendered in few pixels. Fine selection of the essentials too. There's all the crowd pleasers such as cherrys, bananas and PULMZ... none of the tat like SWEETS or you know, that sort of trot.
ONE BUTTON! You can play it with one finger, toe, other implement. We're super duper all for games with simplistic controls here at Fruitaku; especially games which can even be played by people who have something better to do with their other hand, or those who don't have hands that work so good.
MAN WITH BIG NOSE! Yes! The dude in it has a big nose
IT'S NOT SHIT! We at Fruitaku enjoyed playing this game.
TOP OFFICE GAMING ACTION! It's short and fun and straight in to the action. None of this tutorial muck.

http://www.gamebuilder.info/world/arcade/fall

If this game were a fruit, it would be a banana with no black bits on.

Inclusive gaming + fruit = FRUITAKU APPROVES

Wii Party advert from JAPAN has actual FRUITS in it

2010-06-24T09:50:00.001+01:00

Not FRUT but "Fruit" - either's cool by me.

Here's a still from the trailer for this game.

We're not going to discuss the game itself just yet, we're only really interested in this fruit in the trailer.

I mean, we could have a go at chatting about the game, but I'm not in the mood.

Space Ark XBLA FRUT awful animal character

2010-06-20T14:17:00.000+01:00

So, Strawdog Studios alerted us to their XBLA game 'Space Ark' recently on a comment to another ARTICLE on FRUITAKU.

And well they might do! For their game SPACE ARK is "chockablock" with FRUT! It's essentially a Breakout clone where you bounce an animal off your bat/trampoline. You can control the animals a little in the air with one stick, and control the bat/trampoline with the other. To play it evokes head patting / tummy rubbing ambidexterous thinking which makes the whole affair feel like twin-stick shooter Arkanoid with a fruit fixation. IN SPACE!

In fact, Space Ark has everything that should be in every great game:

Simple objective made slightly tricky by quirky control system? CHECK!
Bonus multipliers for skilled players? CHECK!
FRUTS? CHECK!
Rainbows? CHECK!
Whimsy? CHECK!
Animals? CHECK!

BUT WAIT - SOMETHING IS WRONG!

Let's have a look at some of the animals you're bouncing about...

Oh blimey.

For some reason this otherwise fruity, sopisticated game with arcade puzzler sensibilies seems to be utterly STUNK UP TO FUCK by these horrific, diseased, ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE TO LIKE characters.

Look at his eyes, man. Look at his face, what expression is that? What is he doing, frowning at me with his mouth and seducing me with his eyes?!

And what on Earth is going on here? Another super-deformed animal richly embued with the sort of disturbingly alien eastern european concept of "cute" that no one outside Yugoslavia can really dig. You know when you used to watch the Moomins and it freaked you out? This.

So, if you want to play a very well tuned action puzzler full to the brim with fruit and clever little gameplay hooks, snap up Space Ark immediately.

However, if you've done a lot of drugs in your past and find the above pictures horriffic (I haven't even began to tell you how FUCKING DISTURBING the blinking animation cop out is) then leave this well alone.

8/10 if you don't mind the terrible characters and animation
6/10 if you get disturbed by charmless character design easily

Game journo veteran speaks on 'What is the best video game fruit'

2010-06-17T23:59:00.001+01:00

While the STINKING FRUITLESS PRESS JUNKET known as E3 begins to wind down and the wretched ranks of the scurvy pustuled, greasey haired fruit ignorers wind their rickets wrought journey back to their parent's houses, FRUITAKU keeps on giving out the WORLD FIRSTS

In agreement with our official poll on what is the best video game fruit, veteran vidja journalist, unpopular internet personality and junkfoodie Stuart Campbell answered our question on his formspring.me -

The people have spoken, a representative of the press/clergy has spoken, countless esteemed game developers have made and CONTINUE to make fruit-em-ups, now all that is required are for the publishers to GET WITH THE PROGRAM and give us MORE FUCKING FRUTS TO COLLECT PLEASE.

POOR CROP of FRUT GAMES at E3

2010-06-16T19:21:00.000+01:00

Our man in E3 has just checked in with FRUITAKU!

It's bad news bears though I'm afraid.

The telegram received read like this:

frut report

NEAR NIL FRUT

This is not good news, but maybe not as bad as it would seem! 'NEAR' NIL FRUT suggests that there are indeed some fruits on display at E3 2010. We can only optimistically speculate from our reporter's gloomy but ambiguous summary.

There's probably some fruits in that new Kirby game, but that'll be Tomatoez and I don't like collecting those so much. Definately a lot of BANANAS in that new Donkey Kong Country game. And of course, Metal Gear Rising's melon chopping action stole the show.

But that seems about it. You heard it here first, once again not a great year for the FRUT-CORE ;_;

FRUT SAVES MICROSOFTS E3 SHOW FROM STINK.

2010-06-16T01:47:00.004+01:00

Yesterday saw Microsoft's handful of new 360 exclusives SHOWCASED at E3 during their SHOWCASE SHOWCASE event.

All of them terrible MACHO and that! Hats off! Not much in the way of fruts there to be honest, but there we are. Then to rapturously limp claps IN WAFTED the KINECT

Now the thing that everyone has forgot is this. When they decided to make the Wii, Nintendo went 'how can we get fucking Mazza in more homes?'. The answer was: 'get whole families to play it'. The next question, 'how do you get whole families to play it' was answered immediately by SHIGGO...

'Make them do some sort of waggle. I dunno. Waggle. Everyone likes a waggle.'

And that was true! Everyone do like a waggle. And Nintendo got fucking Mazza in squillions of homes.

Now Microsoft have a WAGGLE! But they don't have fucking Mazza. They don't have WiiSport... well they do it would seem. Only it's called Kinect Sports. The Rare "stink up" pile of diseased FILTH that plagued the rest of the show. Oh yeah, and now you get to say 'XBAWKS! PLAY TINY TIM ALBUM' and it'll play your favourite Tiny Tim album.

But the whole affair was saved from, let's be honest about it, UTTER LILLY THE STINK... by some OUT OF NOWHERE FRUT!

Microsoft's E3 press conference was a sad day for gamers. Some even went so far as saying it was the day that the gaming industry died. Well, if that's so, then look what rises from the ashes like a phoenix! What was the one stand out moment, that one flash of an inkling of the green shoots of FRUIT-CORE RENAISSANCE...

Metal Gear Rising's watermelon slicing action!

YEAH! FRUT!

QWAK iPhone FRUT I've bought it 4 times already.

2010-06-14T22:38:00.004+01:00

I've bought this game on the Amiga 500, CD32, GBA, PC and now iPhone.

It's QWAK!

It's great, you know? I mean it's Qwak which any FRUIT-CORE fan should know is high up there in the best fruit-em-ups of all time. So how does this new port shape up? Well, first up, the iPhone version looks proper awesome. The fruts are vivid and easily distinguishable, there's a wide range of frut and there are even much loved but rarely seen 'Giant Frut'. Some levels don't have so many fruts to collect, but when the fruts fall from the ceiling its nice. There's so much frut, man. Hahahhahaha!

£1.79 - if a frut cost a penny you'd make that back in about 5 minutes.

It's got touch screen ghostly direction arrow controls though, which make me go 'eurgh' and to be honest it's poo compared to a proper control pad. You do kinda get used to it, but you're just never, ever going to get a traditional platform game playing as a platform game needs to play with a virtual control pad. You can try anything; ghosted button, arcade sticks, dynamic deadzone analogue thumb pads... your thumbs are in the way. You feel like a dog outside on the patio, smearing your wet feet down the conservatory doors looking in on a delicious meal of roast chicken.

But yeah, as I said you do kinda get some sort of control thing going on after a bit of perseverance and the controls are about as good as they can be for a platformer on the iPhone.

7/10. The nicest looking Qwak incarnation, the ropiest to control. Shedloads of frut though

FRUT!

FRUIT NINJA is OUT!

2010-04-21T14:23:00.000+01:00

Quick, vidyagamez frut fans, quick! Fruit Ninja is out!

And it's every bit as FRUTY as we'd hoped here at Fruitaku Towers.

Incredibly well polished, perfect for opportunist gaming sessions and more importantly FRUITY AS F*CK!

Clocking in at on average 4 FPS (frut per second) this takes the crown as being the ultimate frut related videogame on the iPhone / iPod Touch platforms and as such we can only recommend it wholeheartedly.

Not only does Fruit Ninja look great, it's incredibly satisfying to play. The added random FRUIT FACT awarded to a player on dying just push this 59p sizzler into the MUST BUY category - not just for FRUT FANZ but also anyone who's looking for a decent iPhone game to play on the shitter.

10/10!

The Fruit Ranking Unified Table

2010-04-17T14:08:00.005+01:00

One of the core principles in game design is FRUT inclusion. Before any game designer sits down to design a game, the first thought that comes into their mind is always 'how can I get some FRUT in this game?' In fact, in most game design degrees nowadays, a whole academic year is dedicated to the correct implementation of FRUT in the medium of videogames.

At the core of the correct FRUT inclusion principals is the Fruit Ranking Unified Table.

The Fruit Ranking Unified Table

(click for bigger)

The table denotes the approved proportional points scores for each all all frutz that can be in videogames.

It also splits fruts into various classifications:

True Fruits:

Fruts which are actually FRUITS

Non Fruts:

VEG but also quite nice to collect. Not as nice as fruts though

Crap Friuts:

I don't like to collect these fruits so much

Noble Fruits

The kings of frut. Big scorers and probably tasty to eat if you could eat a vidyafrut

Strange Fruits

These fruts can either give you a crappy amount of points, do something nasty to you, or do something cool. You never can tell, and this may vary from game to game

Man Made Fruits

These are nice fruits to collect for score, but they're not proper fruts.

Please note that in the man-made fruits section; the forbidden frut 'FRUTONIUM' is represented by a ?

This fruit must never be put in a videogame because it would award the player with so many points there aren't enough numbers in the world to satisfactorily display its value and the game would break.

Writer of wanky books says vidya game plots are bad

2010-04-15T10:24:00.004+01:00

Richard Morgan, prolific writer of SCI FI and FANTASY has rocked the world of vidya games by criticising the stories of every vidya game ever made.

Richard Morgan, yesterday. Not talking about FRUT

'Bubble Bobble is a shit game because it doesn't have a space ship in it, or a dystopian future vision.' sneered Morgan while he wanked off over the directors cut of Blade Runner.

'The characters don't develop, there's no story arc and at no time do they rip off the plot of a popular fantasy novel. It would have been immeasurably better if it was about a guy, right, who was running around a futuristic city that looked a bit like Port Talbot at night. Maybe with a twist at the end, like, I don't know, he's a REPLICANT!'

Morgan has been drafted in as lead writer for the forthcoming game Crysis 2. It should be noted that Crysis 2 has no frut in it. Crysis 2 is a game about spending your parents money on a really new PC; then seeing how many frames it drops while you shoot a barrel.

'Games aren't about having fun with a loose premise, they're about making people read a story I've completely made up on my own and not copied off anywhere or nothing; that's the only way people can know how fucking clever I am' burped Morgan over a bottle of Panda Pops cherryade, completely missing the point.

Fruit Ninja - the Fruitiest iPhone Game?

2010-04-13T09:28:00.001+01:00

Word up, FRUTCHUMS

Check this out - It's a trailer for a game called 'Fruit Ninja' on the iPhone, and although we've not played it yet, we will be keeping a very close eye on this.

Absolutely breathtaking! Props to Smiffy for alerting this to our attention.

Final Fight: Double Impact - slight fruity presence

2010-04-07T14:00:00.001+01:00

Next week Final Fight Double Impact is out on XBLA.

The question on everyone's lips however is, ANY FRUT? Well, we've trawled the screenshot galleries and found the following...

Fruit fans will be pleased to hear that YES! WE HAVE SOME BANANAS!

Grapes have also been observed. Playing the original game in MAME found overall the game runs at 0.75 FPM (frut per minute)

UPDATE!

After purchasing the Full Game on XBLA - we can also report sightings of APPLEZ!

Coryoon - FRUT SHMUP!

2010-04-07T09:30:00.002+01:00

Avid Fruitaku reader FIL alerted us to this super-fruity horizontal shmup on the PCE called Coryoon...

Serious amount of FRUT dropping here, our analysts have clocked the fruit per minute ratio as being on average 96 FPM. This is very high indeed! Let's have a look where this stands on the Fruits Per Minute graph...

SCIENCE that is, fruit-fans!

Back after a FRUIT SABBATICAL!

2010-04-06T18:03:00.002+01:00

Greetings, fans of videogame fruit!

It's the welcome return of Fruitaku, which after a long gap of updates is BACK BACK BACK with more FRUITY NEWS and VIEWS!

This week, a quick look at the FRUIT capabilities in the reasonably new iPhone app 'noby noby boy'

Let's cut to the chase... it's got FRUT in it! And no pulmz as far as we can see at Fruitaku towers.

After just a few minutes tinkering, we were able to feast our eyes on this fruity montage...

Magnificent! Noby Noby Boy gets 8/10 (could have more fruit)

The Chase: Felix meets Felicity - A FRUITY EXTRAVEGANZA!

2009-01-28T09:38:00.003Z

GREETINGS FRUITZ FANS!

Long time no FRUT! But all that's set to change, my fruities. This week sees the release of Atari's magnificent, old skool and manic arcade platformer The Chase: Felix meets Felicity.

And why are we at Fruitaku towers so excited about this game? Well not only is it a fine little addictive arcade game, it is WALL TO WALL WITH FRUITZ!

Just look at the fruitz in that screen shot! Oh yes, we at Fruitaku strongly believe that The Chase: Felix meets Felicity is going to herald a renaissance in videogaming. A celebration and re-awakening of traditional videogame values from a more civilised era.

New Playstation 3 advert causes fruity disgust

2008-05-14T10:43:00.002+01:00

Sony Computer Entertainment today released into the wild their new advertising campaign poster - and it's a FRUITY SHOCKER!

Once again forgetting to highlight the actual games available on the PS3 (Talladega Nights and Super Rubber Duck) - they instead decide to target the hearts, and ANUSES, of the console buying public with this fruity little number...

Gamers and fruit fans the world over are left with a slightly bitter taste in their mouths, and once again SCEE announces loudly to the world that the success of the PS2 was a complete and utter fluke, and they're now drowning in a sea of their own misplaced confidence and cocaine fueled arrogance.

Results of Best Fruit Em Up Poll...

2008-04-18T11:38:00.010+01:00

The results are in! Bubble Bobble wins by a long shot! Or at least... IT SEEMS LIKE IT SHOULD!!!

Unfortunately, it has been disqualified at the last minute for the inclusion of satan's own winnets 'SWEETZ' and shameless fast food promotion (Wacdonalds). This controversial decision to strip Bubble Bobble of it's winners medal has not been taken lightly, but we feel that a fair compromise has been made...

In a totally unpresidented turn of events, a new, un-polled winner has been declared!

We at Fruitaku towers are proud to announce that the fruitiest fruit 'em up of all time is...

YOSHI'S STORY (N64, Wii VC)

The entire game of Yoshi's Story revolves around sniffin' out and collecting DELICIOUS AND WHOLESOME FRUITZ! You can even select your favourite fruit, and get more points from exclusively collecting them, or you can get indescriminate on their fruity asses and collect any kind of fruit you see. For the fruity aficionado, Yoshi's Story is the undesputed KING of the Fruit 'em Ups.

Every fruit is pre-rendered in luxurious 256 colours, and a wide selection of fruit is available... with no dilution from DISGUSTING 'SWEETZ' or 'WACDONALDS' or 'MAGIC RODS' - its FRUIT FRUIT and more FRUITZ all the way!

Congratulations, Yoshi's Story. You might have been widely panned by critics and being short, shallow and too easy, but what do videogame reviewers know? FUCK ALL that's what.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, MY OLD FRUITIES!

XBox Live Fruit Marketplace - NEW CONTENT UP!

2008-04-18T11:30:00.005+01:00

That's right, FRUITFANS! There's new Fruity content up on Xbox Live Fruit Marketplace! And here at Fruitaku we've got the SCOOP on the new content!

So what can it be, we hear you asking yourself? Is it a new and original Fruit? NO! It's a MOULDY OLD ORANGE!

Prolific growers of fruit 'Stainless Farms' have found a shitty, rancid, furry old orange that no-one wanted to eat anyway and are selling it to you at a BARGAIN TASTIC 400 MS Points... but you don't just get a spore-laden, half decomposed peice of fruit you'd forgotten existed! Oh no! For indeed, MOULDY OLD ORANGE comes packaged with new EXTREME 'EVOLVED' mode...

Be sure to get yourself down to Xbox Live Fruit Marketplace and get MOULDY OLD ORANGE today!

New Poll! - Best Fruit 'em Up... EVER?

2008-04-10T09:20:00.003+01:00

Hello Fruity Chums! New poll up today on Fruitaku - what is the best fruit 'em up of all time?

As you all know, a fruit 'em up is a videogame which involves collecting an inordinate amount of fruit. This genre, as you'll all agree, is the pinnacle of videogaming. Why? Well allow me to explain...

Since the dawn of time, man's principal past time has been collecting fruit. It is imperative to his very survival that mankind develops an innate, primordial and un-wavable urge to visually locate, track down and consume fruit. This is why videogames which feature the collecting of fruit satisfy both man's competitive desire for hunting, but also that of fruit collection.

Other videogames may often forget the basic need to satisfy our primeval urge of fruit hording and collection, but that is to their detriment. Sure, it may satisfy some urges, such as 'pretending to be in a band you're not in' or 'driving a car you can't afford on a pretend road' or in some cases 'killing another human being' ... but there is no pleasure as visceral, as all encompassing as fruit collection.

It is with this in mind that we ask you to answer this simple opinion poll:

WHAT IS THE BEST FRUIT 'EM UP EVER?

the options hand-picked by Fruitaku are...

- Bubble Bobble
- Rainbow Islands
- Mr.Do
- Bangai-O
- Pac Land
- New Zealand Story
- I don't like plums

The poll is open for voting and can be found in the top right of this page.

Super Monkey Ball in 'BANANAS LOOK LIKE PENISES!' Shocker

2008-04-09T14:01:00.004+01:00

From our Japan correspondent; Brian Wankshaft

Hey sexually repressed Fruit Fans! It's your man in Japan here, Brian Wankshaft. I'm a videogame journalist, I am! Oh yeah, you fucking bet! I like Videogames, Fruit... and THINGS RELATED TO THE SEX!!!!!!!!!!

Today, the hot news straight out of Akihabara is that the bananas in Super Monkey Ball look a bit like PENISES!!!!

Oh yeah! You betcha god-damn-ASS! Look at that, its so rude! SO RUDE! I don't know what's harder to believe: the fact that I'm actually married with a child or the fact that the bananas in Super Monkey Ball are vaguely PHALLUS SHAPED!

Oh yeah, it's all KICKING OFF here in JAPAN! There's Melons in Yoshi's Story that look like JUBBLIES! I SHIT YOU NOT! And, right, get this... there's games about TOUCHING UNRIPENED CHERRIES TO SEE IF THEY ARE A WITCH!

Fuck me, readers! I'm living in a SEEDY SEX PIT OF FRUITY FUN!

More hilarious and salient observations on slightly rude things that make your legitimate hobby look like an embarrassing teenage wankfest next time!

Brian Wankshaft

Some fruit related games that they should make

2008-04-08T16:05:00.001+01:00

SANXIONION
GREEN CUCUMBERET
CARROT FODDER
VIRTUAL-MEL-ON
IKARUTABAGA
KENNY DALGLIESH'S PAPAYA MANAGER
SOLOMON'S KIWI FRUIT
BOWL (of fruit) CALIBRE
KUMQUATAMARI DAMSONACY
OUT PLUM
GOLDEN delicious EYE
PEARFECT DARK
THE LEMON OF ZELDA
METROID LIME
RESIDENT EVIL 4 POUNDS OF POTATOES PLEASE
SATZUMA
MANGO HUNT
LITTLE FIG ADVENTURE
POMEGRANATE GOTHAM RACING 4
FINAL FRUIT
GRAPIUS
STREETS OF GREENGAGE
STREET FIGHTER ALFALFA 2
CONTINENTAL CITRUS

RESULTS OF FRUITY POLL

2008-04-08T14:47:00.005+01:00

WHAT IS THE BEST VIDEOGAME FRUIT?

The most recent reader poll at Fruitaku, 'what is the best videogame fruit', has now ended... and the results are FASCINATING.

The winner by an enormous margin of 2 votes seems to be... WATERMELON

PLUMS and CHERRIES came a close join second, but to the winners the spoils... A LARGE VIDEOGAME WATERMELON

Looks delicious! Well done, Fruitsters. New poll soon...

Penny Arcade promotes new online greengrocers

2008-04-07T10:07:00.008+01:00

Today, online comic 'Penny Arcade' rocked the wholesale fruit distribution world with an announcement of a new way to buy fruit, specifically their own fruit.

The popular webcomic 'Penny Arcade' was created in 1998 to document the completely platonic relationship between two lonely fruit addicts Gabe and Tycho - and has gained a loyal following of nerds with its 'brokeback mountain' style camaraderie and esoteric fruit-related jokes.

Disillusioned by the pricing policies of the wholesale fruit trade, they have announced a self promoted initiative to sell fruit to hapless nerds who rely on their comics to provide them a sense of validity to their pathetic solitary, humourless existence. This announcement comes shortly after they announce that they have finished making their very own fruit. Which they didn't actually make, someone else did.

In a press release on their website, Gabe announced:

We have made a special fruit that only people who read our comic will like, so we're selling it ourselves on our new online greengrocers - Greenhouse.

Tycho followed this with:

Hopefully we'll get loads of money by selling it ourselves, and by slagging off existing greengrocers, moar people who rely on our comic stylings for their daily reassurance that they're not losers will buy our game. Its win win. We get more cash from our fans, and our fans feel like they're 'sticking it to the man'

Penny Arcade hope to take even more money from fans by selling other independent fruit growers' wares from their online shop eventually. Financial advisers to FruitStop; the main fruit outlet in the US said that they were 'shitting it':

When two grotesque people who draw comics of themselves talking about fruit in which they appear attractive decide to open up their own shop selling fruit, you know its time to worry for the fruit industry.

Great Fruity Moments in Gaming #1 - unSensible Soccer

2008-04-04T10:07:00.000+01:00

In 1993, Sensible Software released a special version of their popular football game Sensible Soccer called unSensible Soccer. Given away free on Amiga Magazine coverdisks at the time, unSensible Soccer was one of the finest moments in fruit related game history because it allowed the player to stage a game of football between teams of apples and oranges, with pears for goalkeepers!

Everyone knows that the review score of any game can be increased by 10% immediately by the inclusion of FRUITZ, so this magnificent triumph of gaming was so good it challenged conventional mathematics by obtaining theoretical review scores of 106%.

Unfortunately, the option to play as fruit was not featured in the recent XBLA release of Sensible Soccer, the developers choosing instead to add an unnecessary concentric circle screen ripple on scoring a goal. There are plenty of places on the internets that are content with celebrating homely, blitz-basic style rudimentary hardware effects in games, but this ain't one of them. Round these parts, we like FRUITZ.

Harmonix Fruit Bowl shifts 1 million units

2008-04-03T10:43:00.000+01:00

Shares in both Harmonix and fruit are up today as the publisher announces record sales of their fruity simulator 'Fruit Bowl'.

Since its North American release last October, 'Fruit Bowl' has seen sales top the 1 million units mark as desire to have your own non-edible interactive fruit bowl reaches fever pitch.

Available for Xbox 360 and PS3 with a Wii version in development, Fruit Bowl allows players to see what it's like to have your very own bowl of fruit.

For a very reasonable $199 (including 3 bananas, 5 apples and 4 oranges), Fruit Bowl comes with everything you need to have an arrangement of fruit in a bowl which you can tell everyone how cool it is, then play once when you're drunk then never again. And can't actually eat.

Ray Mears Fruit Training announced.

2008-04-02T10:29:00.000+01:00

At a recent event to publicise the continuing line of Touch Generations software, Satoru Iwata revealed a new title in development for Nintendo DS which has already got chins wagging: Ray Mears Fruit Training.

Iwata, standing hand in hand with TV's favourite survivalist and indiscriminate fruit eater Ray Mears, proclaimed:

2008 will be the year that Nintendo, along with Ray Mears, teach everyone all about fruits and that.

Ray Mears was also keen to add to the hype, despite this being his first foray into the world of Videogames. He told the thousand strong mass of journalists and fruit fans alike:

My fruit training game could save lives. Last week, I hadn't had anything to eat for literally 20 minutes. Luckily through training my brain to be good at seeing fruit, I was able to not only identify, but eat a mango that was underneath a chair; and a crisis was averted.

Ray Mears Fruit Training should be in the shops for harvest festival.

GTA IV - Does not contain any fruit.

2008-04-01T09:28:00.000+01:00

News just in at Fruitaku towers; the long awaited Grand Theft Auto IV does not contain any fruit what-so-ever.

A spokesman at Rockstar said

"Fuck, why the fuck would we put fruit in GTA IV? It's a grey and brown game. Like Quake. Quake was grey and brown, and didn't have any fruit at all. You know how much that shit sold? A fucktonne."

Rockstar added:

"You know who's going to buy GTA IV? Kids who don't give a fuck about fruit. Let me tell you what kids like: they like guns, rain and cement. And willy-gags. You think we had enough room on that disk for fruit as well as guns, rain, cement and willy-gags? What the fuck are you, some kind of schmuck?"

Luckily, the radar on the bottom left of the screen looks like a fruit bowl. An admission of guilt? Only Rockstar know for sure...

GTA IV is released this month.

Bangai-O Spirits (DS)

2008-03-31T17:30:00.000+01:00

Out now in Japan on the Nintendo DS is Bangai-O Spirits! Our sources say it's FRUIT-TASTIC.

From this small screen you can see that somehow through chucking out a load of bullets, the tiny mecha thing has made a fruit appear. It seems to be a Watermelon.

Don't let this screenshot with one measley Watermelon get you down though, Fruit Fans! During a recent 'hands on' with Bangai-O spirits, we at Fruitaku can confirm that there's lots of other fruits in this game, not just Watermelons. I definitely saw a Pineapple earlier.

There are a few things that aren't fruits such as what I suppose are Chillies, or maybe Scotch Bonnet Peppers, but this didn't detract from the experience.